Working at Kroger is fun. Everyday, a new batch of idiots falls into my lap. Just yesterday at lucky register 13, a woman asked me, with a completely straight face, "What store is this?" She had an assortment of groceries waiting to be rung up. I felt like saying, "Do you normally shop at stores you don't know the name of?" But I want to keep my job, so I forced myself to not say that.

This is how I retain my sanity, mentally making fun of customers that piss me off.

I feel powerful when I think back on everything I've been through, like being the only white person at my high school and getting bullied, and realize that I didn't let these situations overcome me. Admittedly, I also feel powerful when people so much less intelligent than I am try to verbally insult me or incite conflicts with me. It's quite comforting to know that they'll never amount to anything.

Oh LiveJournal, I have neglected you. My deepest apologies. I kind of turned my back on Photobucket, too. I suck.

I'm so behind, I don't even know what to write about.

Well, in the time that has elapsed since my last entry, I have finished high school, gotten a cell phone (it's 2008. Guess I finally got with it.), moved on from an unrequited love, fallen in love with someone else (I cannot say more on that particular subject), got my first job, quit that job for a better one, and turned nineteen, not necessarily in that order.

So yeah, here we are in March of 2008 and I have fallen out of the LiveJournal loop. I'm back now, hoping to reclaim my spot.

I don't know if it's possible for someone to forget you completely, for their mind to just erode you away and let the wind do the rest. But I feel like people are doing that to me. If it's even possible...

So, yeah, I'm trying to go on a diet. I cannot even count how many times I've said that in my life. And now I'm thinking that everyone goes on diets. Even skinny people who you look at and think,"Why the hell does she think she needs to lose weight?!" They are probably harboring a poor self-image that you don't even know about. It just goes to show you that anyone can hate themself enough to deprive themself of food.

OHmyGODiDOnotWANTtoGOtoSCHOOLtomorrow!!! All in all, I enjoyed my president's day weekend and I am not at all eager to go back to SAHS. Why? Because I spend half of my time feeling hopelessly opaque, staying against the white walls, hoping to somehow fade into the background. Oh, and the other half? Well, I mostly just spend that feeling like a freak because I'm the only white person at my school. I feel like damaged goods, or that little kid who always gets picked last for baseball. And yes, school does have a good number of positive/fun aspects. They're just not the first things that come to my mind when I'm trying to become as invisible as everyone makes me feel.

I just want to be in a place where I can be me. I cannot, for instance, play my flute in band class without some lower-level lazy-ass slacker telling me to "stop showing off." They only say this because they never take their clarinet home and practice, the direct result of this being that they can barely squeak through the B flat scale. Excuse me for showing an interest in something other than who got pregnant last week.

Did you not hear me? I JUST WANT TO BE ME. The me that dates black guys. The me that doesn't discriminate against anyone, no matter how many times I'm discriminated against. The me that could watch Charmed for the rest of her life. The me that plays along with Jeopardy whenever it comes on. Why is this all so unacceptable?

Just a little update to let everyone out there (who cares) know that yes, I'm still alive. Not well, but definitely alive. I'll leave you with that and the semi-promise of a more detailed entry another day.

Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now

Backbeat, the word is on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
But I don't know how

Because maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall

Today was gonna be the day
But they'll never throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you're not to do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now

And all the roads that lead you there were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
But I don't know how

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall


(Oasis)

Wow. Two posts in one day? A new record. Ha ha.

Truthfully, I'm just bored and I sometimes feel like if I don't write, then I'm not valid or something. I guess that's just me. And then when I write in this thing, it seems to me that I say the same things pretty much all the time. Again, maybe that's just me.

But see, I'm always me. And a lot of times, I feel like the only constant in my whole universe. What I mean is, everyone around me, all my friends, seem to change so much. And I'm always in the same place doing the same things. For instance, Darius got a cell phone and a job. I just feel like he's growing and leaving me behind. I struggle just to keep up.

I guess I have a life. Sort of. I mean, I'm in the process of compiling poems and essays to put into two books. But it doesn't feel real yet. Not until I get it published. And I'm doing APSYO again. We play really awesome music and I never want to give it up. I'm also thinking about talking to the school counselor about an internship somewhere. But I feel like all my changes and the things I do are so small. How can it ever add up to amount to what everyone else is doing?

I don't know. I just know that I'm rambling and I need to go to sleep.

My head hurts and my fingertips are cold, but I'm here. Dreading school on Monday, but definetly looking forward to APSYO rehearsal (and the car ride home with Darius.♥)

I just hate to see what immature stunt my peers are going to pull off this time. They always manage to surprise me...

Life feels like such a fucking drag sometimes.

Take for instance today's delicious (not) school lunch, including salisbury steak that can't actually be qualified as real meat, and tasteless mashed potatoes with the consistency of water.

Wow. That really gives a girl a lot to look forward to. Add that to the shitty attitudes and racial remarks from my peers and my remaining time in high school just looks so bright!

And then when you come home and everyone's so fucking broke because your sorry ass dad can't even be bothered to pay his child support on time and you have nothing to eat, well that's just the cherry on top of it all.

Sorry for sounding so morbidly depressing, guys. I just keep turning this stuff over in my mind.

But for sanity's sake, here's a short run-down of the things I have to look forward to:
*A new episode of House tonight.
*All-State auditions soon.
*All new America's Next Top Model tomorrow night ( I CAN'T WAIT!)
*APSYO rehearsals start next Monday, which is great for two big reasons:
a) I fucking love APSYO and the music we play and b) Darius, whom I also fucking love, will be there.

Summer is almost over and I still haven't gone swimming. I went to the movies once, to see The Omen BY MYSELF. I wasn't scared but me and Darius had made plans to go and then he couldn't, so I was disappointed. Great movie though. I love Julia Stiles.

So I didn't go swimming... yet but my feet got really tan (from incessant flip-flop wearing.) Not that I care though because I'm starting to think that pale is the new tan. I mean, look at Rose McGowan. She's pale and beautiful. And skin cancer is never cool.

I don't want to go to school because we have this new super-strict dress code. I hate Ms. Gaynor for enforcing it. I mean, she didn't care about our "well being" when she gave us a Summer Recreational Reading List that was filled with sex books by Zane. It's ok if people want to read that stuff, but it's a completely different story when your principal encourages you to read said books.

God, what a hypocrite. I honestly think she doesn't possess the leadership skills one must have in order to be a high school principal. That, or she's just having a permanent lapse in sanity. We'll never know.

The good news is that it looks like it will storm soon. Not saying that it will, but it LOOKS like it. I can only hope....

The bad news is that Darius cannot come over because he is going to the movies. Boo. Well, at least he is having fun. And there's always tomorrow.

This only further proves that I have no life.

I'm just updating for the hell of it. So if you were looking for me to be my usual interesting self (ha ha), I'm sorry. You came to the wrong entry.

Anyway, I don't really have anything to say, so..... yeah.
(I notice that I say 'anyway' a lot. Did you notice that?)

Oh, but I will say this:
I'm embarking on my last two weeks of school. It's bittersweet because I know I'll miss summer when school starts back but a part of me wants to go back. There are still things I want to do (see Darius, go swimming, read, etc.) and I get bored sometimes, but I wish it could be summer forever.

Phased out. That's how I feel. And I don't know why I continue to torture myself by periodically checking O'neil's MySpace. When I went there, I saw that Andrew had one too and I learned that O'neil and Aisha are officially going out. I just feel like everybody moved on and forgot about me. I don't blame them. I didn't expect them to take the depression route that I did. They have lives of their own; it's not their fault.

But I can't seem to find solace ANYWHERE. O'neil broke up with me. He found someone new; I didn't. And with my friendship with Darius currently on the rocks, I feel more alone than ever. In truth, I miss MHS and I miss everyone there, including O'neil. Usually, all I have to do is think of Darius and it helps me to not feel so alone. But lately, I've been questioning our friendship, seriously. I mean, he keeps lying to me and letting me down. And then last night he says, "I don't think you should talk to me about your problems anymore. I have so much going on right now." That basically translates to, "I don't have time to listen to you." And I've NEVER said anything like that to him. The few times he's bothered to open up to me, I listened with an open heart. I adopted his pain as my own, without even thinking about it. Now I'm not asking him to do the same, but it really hurts that he would say such a thing as he did last night.

Like a grain on the beach
Like a star in the sky
Far too many to count
With the naked eye
They will see you
Go ahead walk on by
You don't know I'm alive
Maybe one day you'll find
You should open your eyes
You don't know me

You're the one who looks right through me
Now you're saying that you knew me
When I was invisible
And you're the one who walks right through me
Now you're saying that you knew me
When I was invisible

Little things adding up
Try so hard not to rush
Giving in, letting go
Of the world we know
They won't see you
Force it down, lose the taste
They all think it's a waste
We don't need to believe
Every word they say now
They don't know me

You're the one who looks right through me
Now you're saying that you knew me
When I was invisible
And you're the one who walks right through me
Now you're saying that you knew me
When I was invisible

It's so easy
To be lost
But maybe
You're not lost at all
Do you recognize me?
Do you know who I am?
Do you see me now?


You're the one who looks right through me
Now you're saying that you knew me
When I was invisible
And you're the one who walks right through me
Now you're saying that you knew me
When I was invisible

by Ashlee Simpson

Summer.... wow. A million more excuses I've collected for just sitting on my ass, reading and pondering the ever-present "mysteries of life." Funny. Those are exactly the same things I do during the school year.

Darius was supposed to come over yesterday, supposed to being the operative phrase here. Yet another disappointment courtesy of Darius. But I'm trying not to be too bitter towards him. I am mad at him for letting me down more than twice, but that doesn't change how I feel about him.

Change of subject: I'm pissed that I didn't win that signed poster of Xtina from Seventeen magazine! Usually I'm lucky with stuff like that. And I wanted it sooooo bad. Oh well.

Hey, guess what? I'm totally in love with Nick Cannon!



My baby. (In my dreams.)

You're not sure that you love me
But you're not sure enough to let me go
Baby it ain't fair you know
To just keep me hangin 'round

You say you don't wanna hurt me
Don't want to see my tears
So why are you still standing here
Just watching me drown

And it's alright, yeah I'll be fine
Don't worry 'bout this heart of mine
Just take your love and hit the road
There's nothing you can do or say
You're gonna break my heart anyway
So just leave the pieces when you go

You can drag out the heartache
Baby you can make it quick
Really get it over with
And just let me move on

Don't concern yourself
With this mess you've left for me
I can clean it up, you see
Just as long as you're gone

You not making up your mind
Is killing me and wasting time
I need so much more than that

by The Wreckers